Shortly after diagnosis, during one of the bad nights when Kev was very ill, he turned to me, looked me in the eye, and asked the loaded question, "What happened?"  

This moment has been bouncing around in my head for the last month, surprising me by popping into my consciousness during the most unexpected moments.  That question:  what happened?  Our life was going as planned, we had a great house, two kids (planning a third) good jobs, good friends.  What happened?  Wasn't life supposed to be great?  Wasn't it supposed to be what we expected, what we deserved?  

I see this moment in my head, and my world rewinds back, back, back to the very moment I first set eyes on Kevin.  The moment we said our vows, held our babies, made our future plans, discussed vacations....and then....what happened?

Last week the Spirit whispered to me this verse, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21)."  And I have come to realize that I have lived this verse.  We all have, but for me, "What happened?" is this verse.
Which begs the question:  So do I throw up my hands, surrender to the whims of a mysterious God, and abandon all planning and pursuits?   NO.  But let me tell you what I have learned:  Kev and I were often guilty of using God as a handy accessory, never short on thanks for all of the blessings, but also only occasionally consulting Him on decisions.  We pushed God to the back when life was good.  All believers are guilty of it, myself especially.  So when the tough parts of life hit........what happened?

And now, Kevin has left this world, and I am faced with major life decisions:  Where do I live?  What do I do?  What is important to me, what are my goals?  Many are the plans of my heart.........but the Spirit whispers, "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things (what you need) will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, italics mine).

Seek first.  In all things, even the mundane things.  Not because this prevents you from being blindsided by the bad things when they come, you will be.  But because ultimately God's will prevails, and you don't want to show up late to the truth of who lovingly holds your life.

Thank you to everyone who prays for our family.  The girls and I are doing well, working through each transition as it comes, and we are grieving together, surrounded by love and support.

Love to you all,

Kristin

I just realized today that not everyone follows our Facebook page and I have yet to post an updated blog.  So I am so sorry that this may be coming late for some of you.

Kev passed away peacefully on Monday, and is now residing with Jesus.  It was a whirlwind week, and I so apologize for not posting the service details on the blog.  The funeral took place yesterday (February 15th).  It was a beautiful service, with both of Kev's brothers giving tributes to Kev and his legacy.  I am so blessed with such an awesome and totally supportive family.

I have received a request to post the letter I wrote that was read at Kev's funeral.  It was read by our awesome pastor, Kevin Baker, who walked this entire journey with us.  God bless him, and God bless you all.

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Dear Family and Friends,

I have had 18 months to prepare for this day in my mind.  Of course I had hope, but it was always there in the back of my mind, the possibility that Kev may pass away from this disease.  

So we took steps to prepare certain things, have certain discussions, and took every opportunity to serve each other, knowing, in the back of our minds that the worst may, indeed, happen.  

But when Kev passed away, the level of my grief shocked and surprised me.  I had believed that I was somewhat ready for this.   But in facing it head on now, I realize that grief is something you cannot be sheltered from.  There are no walls that can be built, no plans that can be made, no items that can be thrown away, that could’ve prepared me for losing my best friend, my confidante, and my children’s father.  

Our marriage wasn’t perfect.  We fought, sometimes a lot.  He frustrated me frequently, and I him.  But in many ways cancer healed our marriage.  Cancer stripped away our pride, our petty arguments, and I would like to always remember that we made something beautiful together through this.  We served each other and loved each other in a way that I felt in my spirit was God-honoring.  But this growth brought so much pain and suffering.  We took turns with selfishness, self-serving behavior, and resentment.  I sometimes hated what I had to do, and sometimes he resented me for what I had to do for him.  We both became very weary.   It was an experience of immense suffering and broken beauty.  

So now, here we all are, and my grief is so deep and real.  I see my and my children’s lives fast forwarded through the future without Kev, and feel nothing but pain and dread.  

Someone told me today that pain and grief are holy feelings.  They are feelings that God, himself, has experienced, and they are appropriate and okay.  Lamentations 3 tells us that though He brings grief, He will show compassion.  Because of the Lord’s great love, I am not consumed.  

The feeling that “I am in a pit,” has been resonating through my head.  I can think of no greater description for my feelings.  Today, I read this in Lamentations 3: 55-57:  ‘I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit.  You heard my plea:  “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.”  You came near when I called you and you said, “Do not fear.”'

Even in this pit, the Lord is with me.  And he is with my children.  And he is with you.  

God Bless you, everyone.

Kristin

To my dear and faithful followers of this blog and our family's story:  Thank you for your support and love. We have received many blessings over this last week from you all--thank you.  And thank you for praying for Kev and our family.

Here is the chain of events that lead up to this point:
Kev was about half way through the Pomalidamide chemo regimen when we received a phone call that his bilirubin (liver enzyme) was elevated, and we needed to immediately stop the chemo.  All myeloma drugs use the liver in which to metabolize, so we were hoping that once we stopped it, his bilirubin would go down.  It did not.  Instead, it began to rise very quickly, making it suddenly a very serious issue.  At first we weren't sure why his liver was becoming sick, but a few tests was all it took to deduce that it was disease progression in the liver.
Within one week we transitioned from a treatment mode to a hospice mode.  Those transition days were devastating for the family as we tried to process that the cancer fight was now over and we now needed to proceed with an entirely different mindset.

Our oncologist felt that Kev had "weeks," but we really don't know how long....could me more, could be less.  Every day Kev becomes a little weaker and sleeps a little more.  The hospice doctor's first priority is to make Kev as comfortable as possible and, so far, Kev seems okay.

This is a very personal and intimate time for our family and we are coming together to support each other during this time.  It is a blessing that we have this time together to mourn and grieve while Kev is still here, and to be able to share with him what he means to us.  So many families lose loved ones with words left unsaid, and we are privileged to be able to have the time for this.

Due to Kev's condition and to respect his level of comfort, we are only having family visit at this time.  If anyone would like to share something with Kev, please leave it as a comment on this page, or, if you'd like it to remain private, please email it to me at kristinvanzanten@gmail.com, and I'll be sure to read it to him. Many of you have already done this, and you can rest assured that he has read/heard them all so far.

This time is all about Kev and making him as comfortable and peaceful as possible.  He has earned this.  He fought the fight like a warrior, and now he will receive his reward--an eternity in paradise with Jesus Christ.

The beautiful and mysterious sovereignty of God is not something to be understood.  Of course I ask God why.  How can I not?  It seems like such nonsense for my children to lose their father in this way, and at such a young age.
But we are told to write the words of God on our hearts (Heb 10:16) for times such as these when emotions cannot be trusted.  These words become our foundation, and strong foundations cannot be destroyed.  It will remain.....it will remain for something new to be built atop it.  Something beautiful that will glorify God.

I look ahead at my life without Kevin and I start to panic.  When I see a picture of Kev from "before" I feel an overwhelming pang of loss that I just cannot put words to.....it's like my insides are fracturing.

But when I look at him now, I feel so blessed to be able to care for him and serve him during this time. I pray for Jesus to give me the strength to serve Kev as He would: completely and selflessly. Although this is, at times, very difficult to do.

Death is a part of life, and we will all face it one day.  I feel blessed that it's not coming as a surprise and that we will have everything prepared according to Kev's wishes.  We won't have words left unsaid.  I'm not leading this into a cliche on purpose, but let my words mean to you what they will in this area......

Many would like to help.  Here are the most helpful ways right now:
Prayer, prayer, prayer
Gift cards to grocery stores or to-go type restaurants
Frozen ingredients for recipes that I can place in the crockpot when convenient.
**Please do not call before dropping something off--just knock and leave it on the front porch if no one comes...thank you :-)

I receive many texts and emails, I am reading them all, but may not respond.  Please know that I very much appreciate your love and support.  I'm not sure how often Kev is checking his phone, but if you want to be sure he gets something, send it to me as well.

God bless,
Kristin

I hope you all are finding some comfort during this "Polar Vortex".  I have heard it said, if you can find contentment during the inclement times you won't feel the need to keep searching for it.  For discontentment is a heart issue, not a material one.
So regardless of this weather, be rest assured that it is only a season, and it too shall pass.

I say this also in regards to our current circumstances with Kevin's illness.  We are in a season of praying and waiting.
Here is a synopsis of the last 4 weeks:
Kev was placed on steroids following the intestinal GVHD.  These steroids caused some pretty significant water retention in his "third space," which is a fancy way of saying his "tissues".  There was a point when we calculated he had about 30 lbs of water in his tissues.
As the steroids began to be weaned down, the fluid retention improved, but we noted that he also seemed to have fluid in his lungs (coughing, rattling chest).  We brought this up to the doctor, fearing pneumonia, so they began giving Kev weekly chest x-rays.  It showed there was some fluid in there, but they weren't alarmed.

 The issue was shelved for a week or so, until Kev went on a newer chemo agent called Pomalidamide.  This caused his white blood cells to drop to almost nothing, at the same time that our daughter, Claire, brought home a cold virus.  Needless to say, we all caught a cold, and Kev caught a cold plus viral pneumonia.

Of course, this type of logic never stops the hospital from running every test known to mankind, and after much testing, it was ruled that this was, indeed, viral pneumonia.  Kev became quite ill, but his vitals all remained normal.  He spent a week in the hospital, struggling to get a normal breath, but his symptoms improved and he came home.

The week in bed really sapped his level of strength and now we're working on building it back up.  He needs to use a walker for balance when he's up and moving around, and is still struggling with shortness of breath.  He improves slightly every day, and we're praying for a continual upswing.

This set-back is daunting and unfortunate, since before it happened we were working on continuing to kill this cancer.  And we get nervous when we have to take breaks from that, since it has historically moved very quickly.
We brought this concern to the doc Wednesday, who decided that it was best to start the Pomalidamide again, this time at a slightly lower dose.  She also recommends further radiation on some of the larger plasmacytomas on his back.

I think we can all agree that Kev is one tough dude, and the fact that he is still walking into the battles like a fearless soldier is pretty amazing.  I know I've said it before, but I'm very thankful for Kev's strength to continue to endure this.
So although the battle continues, we are hopeful for a miracle.  As long as there is breath in Kevin, we will continue to fight and hope that he will be delivered from this.

Sometimes, when I am truly despairing, I remember "the Saturday" sandwiched in between the day of Christ's death and resurrection.  The time his followers "mourned and wept (Mark 16:10)," and also lamented over the fact that this man was supposed to have redeemed all of Israel! (Luke 24:21).
I can only imagine how terrible this day must have been for those who loved and believed in Christ Jesus.  Someone they had placed all of their faith in, turned in and crucified.  Even though Jesus had told them how it would end (Mark 8:31), they did not understand.
Like these mourners, we know through God's word how the story ends..... yet I do not understand why this is happening.  I can only read about the amazing truth of God's promises, and find comfort in that we're not the only ones who have mourned and doubted God's plans.
God gave them that Saturday for a reason: for all of us who are in our own Saturdays....stuck in-between the despair and the glory which is to come......

God bless you all for the meals, texts, emails, gift cards, money, prayers, and kind thoughts sent our way. We love you.

Love,
Kristin