Shortly after diagnosis, during one of the bad nights when Kev was very ill, he turned to me, looked me in the eye, and asked the loaded question, "What happened?"  

This moment has been bouncing around in my head for the last month, surprising me by popping into my consciousness during the most unexpected moments.  That question:  what happened?  Our life was going as planned, we had a great house, two kids (planning a third) good jobs, good friends.  What happened?  Wasn't life supposed to be great?  Wasn't it supposed to be what we expected, what we deserved?  

I see this moment in my head, and my world rewinds back, back, back to the very moment I first set eyes on Kevin.  The moment we said our vows, held our babies, made our future plans, discussed vacations....and then....what happened?

Last week the Spirit whispered to me this verse, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21)."  And I have come to realize that I have lived this verse.  We all have, but for me, "What happened?" is this verse.
Which begs the question:  So do I throw up my hands, surrender to the whims of a mysterious God, and abandon all planning and pursuits?   NO.  But let me tell you what I have learned:  Kev and I were often guilty of using God as a handy accessory, never short on thanks for all of the blessings, but also only occasionally consulting Him on decisions.  We pushed God to the back when life was good.  All believers are guilty of it, myself especially.  So when the tough parts of life hit........what happened?

And now, Kevin has left this world, and I am faced with major life decisions:  Where do I live?  What do I do?  What is important to me, what are my goals?  Many are the plans of my heart.........but the Spirit whispers, "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things (what you need) will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, italics mine).

Seek first.  In all things, even the mundane things.  Not because this prevents you from being blindsided by the bad things when they come, you will be.  But because ultimately God's will prevails, and you don't want to show up late to the truth of who lovingly holds your life.

Thank you to everyone who prays for our family.  The girls and I are doing well, working through each transition as it comes, and we are grieving together, surrounded by love and support.

Love to you all,

Kristin