Following our great news this week that Matt VanZanten was a match for Kev's upcoming allogeneic (allo) transplant, we entered into a very challenging time with pain management.  Since these cancer cells are along his spinal cord, they are causing him very bad nerve pain in his back and leg.  We have been in and out of the hospital as a result, working to get a pain regimen that will work until the treatment itself will hopefully solve the problem.  The pain seems to get better every day, so we're on the right track at this point.

Kev began the first of 13 radiation treatments to his brain and spine, and we're hopeful that this will be a very effective treatment against the myeloma.  As his doctor said, "the myeloma has seen chemotherapy lots of times, but it's only seen radiation once-- and it will be blindsided."  They are giving him "boosts" of radiation at spots where they can see further disease involvement, and putting a "block" on where they radiated last October (bones have a certain level of radiation tolerance that cannot be surpassed).  Where chemo cannot go (inside his brain), the radiation can go.  There will inevitably be negative side effects since they're radiating such a large area, so please pray for Kev to be spared here. 

The timing of the allo transplant is still up in the air, since it's the most beneficial to enter into it with the least level of cancer possible.  And since we do not know what his status will be after the radiation and spinal fluid chemo, it's difficult to predict the timing of the transplant.  We do know that we're entering into a level of treatment that has no "best practice."  Different docs do things different ways and the road isn't all charted.  That being said, another option has been placed on the table during the last 24 hours.  Following the radiation and spinal chemo that Kev is doing now, it has been brought up that another auto transplant might be extra insurance (i.e. to get the disease "as gone as it can be") prior to heading into the allo transplant.  Of course, this is very aggressive-- and frankly, a hell of a lot of treatment to undergo in the future.  Each transplant in and of itself is lengthy and involved.............BUT, nevertheless we seek with all of our heart to beat this so if this is what's deemed best, we will do it. 

It's best to acknowledge the elephant in the room; that being the question, "if it doesn't work, is this how we want to spend our time?"  Unfortunately, there is no good answer to this question.  No one can predict the future.  All we can do is gather the information we have now, and move forward with equal parts rationale and faith. 

In the spirit of messy spirituality, I want to share that my prayers have been tainted by grief.  I feel my prayers for Kev's healing being pierced with my lack of belief that God will do it.  So what do I have left, Lord, than to tell you how I feel?  That this is crap.  That this feels like a deliberate and targeted blow to my soul........ 
........But has there ever been a time, Lord, that you have not kept your promises?  Daily, you meet me where I am and uplift me, even when I do not know and cannot ask for what I need.  Whether it's a word from a friend, a chance encounter with someone, or a verse from your Word, you put me back on solid ground and remind me that you love me.  I love the word picture that a pastor recently gave to Kev and I:  We are the children that eagerly sit on the porch and wait for our father to come home.  And He is the father that ALWAYS shows up. 

I am so thankful to all of you who continue to show your steadfast love and support for our family.

Love, Kristin